A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:
The headhunter replied, "If you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand."
Difference Between a Lawyer and a First Date
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest" said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered".
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded".
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their behind are interchangeable."
How Much is 2 + 2?
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist, an accounant, an engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answers immediately, "Four."
The economist thinks for several minutes and finally answers, "Four, plus or minus one."
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
The lawyer stands up, pulls the drapes, dims the lights, and motions silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replies, "How much do you want it to be?"
-- Variation on a theme
Question: What is 1 + 2 ?
Politician: Well, if you look at the seasonally adjusted figures, you'll find that it's reasonably in line with government predictions.
Physicist: I won't tell you until you tell me what you want to use it for.
Lawyer: It makes one and a half each.
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for Doctor brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
Lawyer Brains #2
Another version of the above -- better I think.
A man is passing a butcher's shop and sees a sign:
Special Offer - Brains
Cow brains---------a penny a pound
Sheep brains-------2 pounds a pound
Pig brains---------2 pounds a pound
Doctor brains------50 pounds a pound
Engineer brains----50 pounds a pound
Programmer brains--50 pounds a pound
Lawyer brains------1000 pounds a pound
He goes into the shop and says to the butcher "Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing your sign - I suppose the cow brains are so much cheaper than the other brains because of the Mad Cow Disease scare."
"That's right" says the butcher.
"And," continues the man, "I suppose the lawyer brains are so much more expensive than the other brains because they're such high quality."
"Not at all," says the butcher "do you know how many lawyers you gotta kill to get a pound of brain?"
Lawyers as Lab Rats
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
Mistress or Wife?
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.
The Oldest Profession
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."
The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."
Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
OOPS! An Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Two friends enter a marathon. After they had been running for a while, they were passed by a tall, muscular man. "I know that guy," the first said. "He's a construction worker."
A few minutes later, another racer passed them with long, loping strides. "That fellow's a doctor."
Just then, ambulance sirens began to wail in the distance, and a runner sprinted by so quickly that he was just a blur.
"Who was that?" asked the second friend.
"Him?" the first answered. "He's a lawyer!"
Mr. Smith's Legacy
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
-- Variation on a theme
A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there." They all agreed that this was appropriate.
The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
X-Men and Lawyers
from Harry Skelton and the rec.humor.funny joke archives
[ True Story! ]
My son (age 6) is seriously into a set of superheros called X-Men. It seems that one of the characters ("DeathLok") caught his interest the other day and he wanted me to explain if the guy was a good guy or a bad guy.
"Well Son, he's a little of both,"I said. "He's a mercenary."
"What's a mercenary?", he asked.
"That's someone who will fight anyone if someone pays him enough," I answered.
Then my daughter (age 9), trying to put it into perspective for my son, said, "What Dad is saying is he's just like a lawyer."
Question & Answer
Q: What's the difference between a dead coyote in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the coyote.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A1: A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points.
A2: The vulture eventually lets go.
A3: Vultures wait until you're dead to rip your heart out.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A: A tick drops off you when you die.
Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a pothole?
A: None, except that nobody runs over the same pothole twice.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A: The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
©2000-2001 James Fuqua
Law Jokes Page