James Fuqua's Law Jokes

Trial Quotes #3

"Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Were you alone or by yourself.

How long have you been a French Canadian?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

A: That's me.

Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

A: I used to be.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So you were gone until you returned?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there girls?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?

A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?

A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?

A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner said, "No."

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"Did you check for breathing?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

Q: Did you see the defendant bite off the victim's nose?

A: No

Q: Then how do you know he bit off the victim's nose?

A: I saw him spit it out.

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6'8", what he did for a living.

The witness replied that he was a lawyer.

"You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket."

"Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head."

"Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first." --A lawyer speaking to a judge

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness.

"You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"

"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"

"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."

The Judge admonished the witness,

"Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

A true story from a prospective jurist, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty:

The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

P: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

D: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder.

A witness was called to stand to testify about a head-on automobile collision:

"Whose fault was this accident?" the lawyer asked.

"As near as I could tell," replied the witness, "they hit each other at about the same time."

The following quotes (between the heavy lines) are from:
"Disorderly Conduct - Verbatim Excerpts from Actual Court Cases"
selected by Rodney R. Jones, Charles M. Sevilla, and Gerald F. Uelmen.

The Court: In this case the request is made for the appointment of the psychologist for the performance of an IQ test. The court does not see the need for an IQ test since it appears to me that he is dumber than a fencepost.

Counsel: Has the court stated it in numerical terms?

The Court: His IQ is less than zero.

Counsel: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content?

Witness: I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with flame analyzation detectors.

The Court: Can you get that with mag wheels?

Witness: Only on the floor models.

Counsel: Now, in your report under "Foundation" you indicated that there is a minimum of cracking and no signs of settling.

Witness: Yes.

Counsel: When you say there is a minimum of cracking, I take it that you did find some cracking.

Witness: No. Because if I said there was no cracking, I would be in court just like this answering some stupid lawyers' questions. So I put minimum in there to cover myself, because somebody is going to find a crack somewhere.

The Court: I could say I would like to shake your hand, but I won't.

Counsel: Move to strike -

The Court: No. We are not going to strike it.

Counsel: Move to strike the word "stupid," Your Honor.

The Court: The most appropriate word you want stricken? It is worth the whole trial.

Counsel: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Judge: Why did you kick Mr. Smith in the crotch?

Defendant: How was I supposed to know he was going to suddenly turn around?

[From Houston, Texas...]

Attorney: At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?

Farmer: That's right.

Attorney: Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?

Farmer: When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.

Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you didn't scream?

A: No ma'am.

Q: Does that mean you consented?

A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never felt better in my life.

From the Dallas Morning News:

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:

"an intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"

"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."

She wasn't selected for the jury.

The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff. "You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"

"Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but not much good in a fight."

This is supposedly a true story from someone who writes that this event occurred during her stint of jury duty:

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. Then he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" We stiffened and hesitated. Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

Lawyer says, "Now, isn't it true that on the 5th of November last year, you rode naked through the streets on top of a dustcart, letting off fireworks, and singing 'I did it my way' loudly?"

Defendant asks, "What was the date again?"

Judge: Why did you kick Mr. Smith in the crotch?

Defendant: How was I supposed to know he was going to suddenly turn around?

The stolen car fairy? - judge to a lawyer who said his client didn't know how a number of stolen cars had ended up on his property.

Fortunately for you sir, there's not a section for gross dumbness in the Criminal Code. - judge to a man who reluctantly obeyed police orders to leave an area, yelling "sieg heil" and goose-stepping away.

He is a consumer of judicial services. - judge explaining the politically correct way to refer to a criminal.

So how old is your twin brother? - judge to a man who had stolen a car with his twin brother, and who had just identified himself as being 18 years old.

This isn't "Let's Make a Deal." Do you see any doors up here? - judge to a man who, when asked to choose between a large fine and a short jail term for an impaired driving conviction, wanted to know the range of each to compare them and then decide.