James Fuqua's Law Jokes

Shorter Lawyer Jokes

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client.

The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!"

The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow after he had solved her legal troubles.

"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for ?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and my 'gator will have a lawyer."

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator. . .it would be a good idea to just leave them there.

The trouble with lawyer jokes are: Lawyers don't think they are funny, and other people don't think they are jokes!

The preacher came along and wrote upon the signboard:

"I pray for all."

The lawyer wrote underneath: "I plead for all."

The doctor added: "I prescribe for all."

The plain citizen wrote: "I pay for all!"

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyers' club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers; we had $100 when we broke in!"

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live.

"Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.

"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.

"Darling, it was just a shark," said his wife when he came to. "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?"

The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.

"Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.

Jury: (n) -- a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.

Justice: (n) A decision in your favor.

Lawyers are safe from the threat of automation taking over their professions.

No one would build a robot to do nothing.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

I broke a mirror the other day. That's seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

A lawyer awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. He asked the nurse sitting in the room, "Why are the curtains closed; is it night?"

"There's a big fire across the street," the nurse replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Tom: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.

Jerry: Why do you say that?

Tom: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.

Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.

"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.

The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses."

Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country."

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.

Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?

Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office; I forgot to lock the safe!"

"What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here."

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"

"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

The reason that there is a penalty for laughing in court is that otherwise, the jury would never be able to hear the evidence.

A lawyer is settling accounts with his client.

"Let's do it this way," he says, "pay me $1500 down and $250 a month."

"Gee," the client says, "I feel like I'm paying for a car."

"You are! And a nice car it is too."

My parents sent my brother through law school. He graduated and is suing them for wasting seven years of his life.

Jurassic Park has been released on video. I can't help but wonder... how many people will buy it for the great acting... how many people will buy it for the special effects... and how many people will buy it to see the lawyer get eaten again?

After telling a friend about losing a court case, the friend asked, "Did your lawyer give you bad advice?" "No. He charged me for it."

Malborn sat in his attorney's office: "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

The patent attorney turns away from his window, the invention in his hand, and exclaims to the inventor:

"Death ray my ass! It hardly even slows them down!"

Pettifogger n.

1) An infererior lawyer, especially one dealing with insignificant cases, or resorting to tricks.

2) One who quibbles or fusses over trivialities.

First Lawyer: "As soon as I realized it was a crooked business I got out of it." Second Lawyer: "How much?"

from Dan Mallison II and rec.humor.funny joke archives

Driving home from work with a friend (a lawyer), saw this personalized license plate on the car ahead of me:


My friend remarked, "Gee, just what we need, an organization that supports shooting lawyers..."

Almost lost it laughing as I explained it to him.

A bald nun, a gay lawyer, and a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast walk into a bar. The bartender says, "This has got to be the weirdest joke I've ever been in..."

By the way, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.

Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?

No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Between the pigeons and the politicians, it's hard to keep the courthouse clean.

"Everybody in my family follows the medical profession," said John. "They're all lawyers."

from: "Nolo's Favorite Lawyer Jokes", copyright 1993, Nolo Press

Rumor has it that the state of California, which recently enacted a "Three Strikes" crime bill (three felonies and you're jailed for life), was considering the following amendment:

Three strikes and you're out, unless the judge drops the gavel on the third strike and you can run out of the courtroom before the bailiff grabs you. from: "Nolo's Favorite Lawyer Jokes", copyright 1993, Nolo Press

Here are some books were found in the law library:

"Medicine and Surgery for Lawyers" by A.J. Buzzard
"A Question of Justice" by M. Crook
"Game Laws for 1917" by G.A. Lawyer
"Justice in the States" by W.F. Swindler
"EEC Strict Liability in 1992" by D.E. Thieffry

From the television show "Frasier," a dialogue between Frasier and Niles, brothers and fellow psychiatrists:

Frasier: I hate lawyers.

Niles: I do too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance, and they never get better.

When asked, "What is a contigent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."

There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'

I'm going to sponsor a convention to honor honest lawyers as soon as I can find a phone booth to hold it in.

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years."

Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days."

George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"

Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind, "Do I tell my partner?"

When judgement day came, God decided to be lenient and take up to heaven every one except the really awful people. The result was a planet full of lawyers.

Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?

Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Dr. McCoy was involved in a shuttle craft accident and he was left trapped inside the damaged ship. While Captain Kirk was waiting for the emergency crews to free his comrade he pounded on the ship and shouted, "Bones, Bones! Do you think your alright? Are you badly hurt?"

To which Dr. McCoy replied, "Damn it, Jim! How should I know? I'm a doctor, I'm not a lawyer!"

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.

"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case."

Q: Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?
A: Sure! Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions, and has agreed that from now on it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.

Q: Will there be monetary damages assessed?
A: Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly affected.

Q: Lawyers?
A: Yes.

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.

"What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

A defense attorney who was cross-examining a pathologist asked, "Since you didn't listen for a heartbeat and you didn't check for breathing, how were you sure the man was really dead when you signed the death certificate?"

"Well, let me put it this way," said the pathologist. "The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its annual convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every half hour.

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?" The father thought for a moment. "Yes, Son," he replied. "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

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Last Updated 26 October 2000