James Fuqua's Law Jokes

Short Submissions

From: Victoria Henderson (vickih@tfs.net)
Subject: The Ethics Test (for Lawyers)

Ethics test for lawyers
THE SCENARIO

While you are on the phone, a client comes into your office to pay his bill. Seeing you are busy, he simply leaves the cash on your desk and departs. When you get off the phone, you pick up the money and find that what you (and probably he) thought was only one hundred dollar bill is really two one hundred dollar bills stuck together. (You know this because he only owes you $100).

THE TEST

Do you tell your partners about this additional income?

THE CORRECT ANSWER

Cash isn't income.

[I found this version just recently: -- jf]

A retired woman just cashed her Social Security check. She had to go see her lawyer about changing her will. She arrived at the attorney's office. The lawyer pulled her file and told the woman that he had used up her retainer, and, as he charged $100.00 per hour, she would have to give him $100.00 because the meeting would take about an hour. The woman went to her change purse and pulled out a crisp 100 dollar bill. She handed it to the lawyer. They discussed her case.

After the woman left, the lawyer discovered that because the 100 bill was brand new, another 100 dollar bill was sticking to the bill the woman gave the lawyer. The lawyer was posed with an ethical dilemma:

Should he tell his partner?

From: RoseyDawn@gnn.com (Suzanne Schurrer)
Subject: another for your collecting

Attorneys Jones and Smith were arguing over whether sex was work or pleasure. Being unable to reach an agreement, they decided they would ask there paralegal to decide the issue.

Upon explaining the question to their paralegal, he thought for a moment before responding, "Why it is definitely all pleasure."

Smith, who'd felt it was work, asked, "But how can you say that so quickly?"

The paralegal just smiled and replied, "Why that's easy. If there were any work involved, you'd have me do it for you."

A plane full of 250 lawyers heading to an ABA convention is hijacked by terrorists.

The terrorists make their demand:

$5,000,000 or they will begin releasing one lawyer every hour...

Thanks to: Gary L. Harwell

"A good lawyer is a great liar."

--Edward Ward

"A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs."

--Anonymous

"All in all I'd rather have been a judge than a miner. And what's more, being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go. Well, the very opposite applies with judges."

--Peter Cook

"Everybody in my family follows the medical profession," said John. "They're all lawyers."

From: "Mr. Yogesh V. Ashar"
Subject: Doctors & Lawyers ..... Ha Ha!!

A rejoinder to : DOCTORS AND THE LAWYERS , MALPRACTICE....

A Doc to a Lawyer : How is the practice, Buddy?

Lawyer : There is no practice left anymore, ask me only of ...malpractice.

From: Tim A.

also see:

The Truck Driver and the Priest

Illegal Detention

Letter to Ann Landers

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

A:They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."

From
Subject: It's a Joke, Son
Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997

Hope you haven't heard this one [but see]: A blind Rabbit was going through the forrest and met a Frog. The Frog was also blind and asked the Rabbit " What do you look like? The Rabbit told the Frog to feel him and see if he could guess. The Frog felt him and said "You have long ears, and a soft, round tail". "You must be a Rabbit". The Rabbit said "Yes, you are right." The Rabbit said " Now, let me see if I can tell what you are". So the Rabbit felt the Frog and said, "You are small and slimy". "Oh, You must be a Lawyer!"

Date: Tue, 21 Oct 1997 00:41:40 -0400
From: lepage-fisher@atreide.net (Fisher, Brian)
Subject: How Many Lawyers?

A farmer was once asked how many lawyers it would take to grease a combine. His answer was :

Just one, but you have to run him through the machine really slowly.

I liked the truck -driver and the priest story the best.
-Brian Fisher

From: "Ralph Norton"
Subject: a good one
Date: Thu, 29 Jan 1998 17:55:50 PST

If God were to try create today. . . .

In the beginning God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as manyseed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...

At this point God created Hell.

It's funny because it's true.

Slice

Date: Tue, 05 Jan 1999
From: "J. Neuwirth"

At last, a joke NOT at the expense of the lawyer!

A New Orleans Lawyer

enjoy -- J.N.

Date: 2/25/99
From: Bob Thomas

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Date: 10/25/99
From: Laurie H.

Declaration of Independence

Thanks Laurie! I got it on line just in time for Independence Day!

--JF